some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
