I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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