Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
