i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Just invented taco cereal.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
How does it feel to date your dad?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
