is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
