saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Randomize
