At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
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