I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
