i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
