if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
