I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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