I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
