So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize