So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
