I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
