just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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