Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
