So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
