Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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