Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
