A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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