and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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