I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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