So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Randomize
