Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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