It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
