Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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