the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
