Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
