god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
How's work?
Spinning.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
