He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Randomize
