Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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