Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
