I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
