I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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