I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
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