tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
