Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
it's like heaven, but drunker
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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