Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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