Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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