i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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