I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
