I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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