Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
