then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Watching her eat just hurts me
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
