Just cropdusted the office
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
