my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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