Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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