Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
