so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
