Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You're a waste of cheezeits
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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