i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
