It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
