i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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