Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Text me some of your sweat
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
