dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
