you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
